Caregivers Need a Break
By Jim Reyolds, 70 year old husband of a 43 year marriage
I got the stinkeye from the couple seated next to us when I spoke a little sharply to my wife while arranging her hotel breakfast. I understood, as she is in a wheelchair, with no use of her right arm. But I remember Ted Lasso’s advice: “Be curious, not judgmental.” I could have explained my morning up to that brief crack in demeanor. I’ve been taking care of my wife since a stroke 23 years ago left her with many disabilities. I was up before her as usual, setting out her clothing, meds, and sink routine. I got her up, applied her leg brace, moved her to the bathroom for ablutions, dressed her, and let her do her thing while I got myself ready, then made sure I had all that we needed to leave the room.
Downstairs I made five trips preparing her breakfast: coffee and water, flatware and napkins, first pass at the food, second pass to get what I missed or she changed her mind about, prepped her bagel and eggs, and finally, since she eats without assistance, got my own food. It was while I was gone the last time that the couple sat down. My wife then asked for “just one more thing”, a really bad habit of hers, and my reply could have been nicer. Certainly I should have accepted my fate for a cooling eggs and immediately seen to her otherwise reasonable request. I endured the silent critique and its accompanying small load of guilt.
AARP estimates there are 59 million of us giving care to a disabled adult family member, and there are as many or more caring for disabled children. What I described is just the morning routine, and there are dozens of such tasks throughout the day until I finally get her tucked in and have a few quiet moments before bed. Care at home is a logistical challenge. Care while traveling triples the load, but we love to travel and we are grateful for our relative mobility. Lukewarm meals are the least of many inconveniences caregivers experience daily.
Of course, polite people won’t ask, and I really don’t want to take the time to explain. After all, it was an otherwise typical marital situation. Caregivers don’t seek sympathy, but a little consideration and the benefit of the doubt go a long way.
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